Stuff about method are why I love facebook

By Leo Babauta

Most of us have a troubled relationship with uncertainty, often without even knowing it.

Our most difficult problems often stem from uncertainty: procrastination, overwhelm, distraction, anxiety, frustration with others, beating ourselves up, trouble with forming (or quitting) habits, health issues, relationship issues, financial issues, control or perfectionist issues.

At the root of these is our troubled relationship with uncertainty. We don’t like uncertainty, we want to avoid or control uncertainty, we get stressed when we can’t. And uncertainty is unavoidable: everything is uncertain all the time!

The good news is that uncertainty doesn’t have to be this terrible thing that we hate and need to avoid. In fact … we can find joy in uncertainty.

We can delight in uncertainty, and fall in love with it.

This new relationship with uncertainty can unlock so much for us — freedom and joy and the ability to take on whatever we want.

Let’s dive in!

Finding the Delight in Uncertainty

We might instinctively dislike uncertainty, but in truth, we would be so bored without it. Imagine watching a movie and always knowing how it turns out, or reading the same book over and over. We want surprise, adventure, and possibility.

Uncertainty is the place where we learn — if we are certain about something, there’s nothing new to learn. It’s the place where we form intimate relationships, create art, make something new. It’s the place of discovery, play, dance, growth. It’s the pre-requisite for all of this!

Connect with the times when you’ve felt the most meaning and joy: these times were filled with delicious uncertainty!

Imagine going out into the unknown, on an adventure, and find the delight in the uncertainty.

Imagine doing something meaningful for someone, with uncertainty along for the ride, adding so much meaning to the endeavor.

Imagine the uncertainty and dance of a new relationship, the vulnerability and discovery of it.

Notice the uncertainty in your life right now: is there a way you could be grateful for it? Can you savor it, like a delicious desert? Can you delight in it, like a newly discovered aria?

Can you allow yourself to open to it, and fall in love with the uncertainty of your life?

How to Practice

Of course, this doesn’t come naturally to most of us. We like our routine, we like our control, we like solid ground under our feet. Unfortunately, life doesn’t let us have that solid ground. Or maybe I should say “fortunately,” because life would be dull and meaningless without groundlessness and uncertainty.

So … how can we learn to delight in the uncertainty? Practice.

Here’s the practice you might try:

  1. Notice the uncertainty in a task. A good signal that you’re feeling uncertainty is that you feel like avoiding it. If that’s the case, notice how turning towards the task (even thinking about it) causes you to feel, as a bodily sensation. This is how uncertainty feels in your body!
  2. Commit to dancing with it. Turning away from the uncertainty gives you certain predictable results in your life. What would it be like to do something different? Commit to doing something different: face it, be with it, dance with it. Give yourself 10 minutes to be with the uncertainty of this task.
  3. See the opportunity in the task, see the joy in it. What could you do with this task that would light you up?
  4. Let yourself move, physically. Get up, and move. Dance, do some exercise, walk, jump! If we’re stuck sitting, it’s harder to feel delight. We need to move. And to really see what the world is like in this moment — look around, find the delight in this everchanging moment, and full appreciation for life!

What delight can you find in this task, in this moment? Keep practicing, each day, and see what happens in your life!

The post Delight in Uncertainty appeared first on zen habits.

Thanks for the post big self-improvement fan here

Emotional cheating, also known as an emotional affair, represents a different kind of infidelity.  The relationship has not yet reached the point of sexual intimacy, but a deep emotional bond has developed nonetheless.  Although people should have emotionally supportive friendships beyond their romantic partners, emotionally cheating has a secretive element, just like a sexual affair. …

Read More7 Necessary Steps For Forgiving An Emotional Cheater

The post 7 Necessary Steps For Forgiving An Emotional Cheater appeared first on Live Bold and Bloom.

I think anything about method is great who agrees?

%%sitename%% | The Self-Improvement Blog | Self-Esteem | Self Confidence

Think positive

You’ve Heard the Buzzwords: Think positive! Attitude is everything! Change your perspective! Have a positive outlook! But, can these words really change our  future? And if so, how?

In my childhood and adolescence, I was skeptical. If my brother was born without being able to walk—how could my attitude or outlook change anything?

As I got older I continued to reflect on a youth seemingly filled with disappointments and doubts. And in talking to my friends and family, I realized I wasn’t alone; we’ve all experienced them. Then, I start taking a good, long look at myself and my feelings:

I realized that my deepest feelings were the ones guiding me forward; challenging me to reach to the depth of what I was able to feel—happy or sad—and allowed me to explore the dimensions of my being.

So, why do I share this with you? Through all the laughs, disappointment, and sorrow I’ve learned: We can use the power of our feelings to build a stronger, happier, positive life. I also discover a secret way to facilitate this process: Affirmations.

How Affirmations Work

How do affirmations work? They are a simple exercise that can tap you into this positive, creative part of yourself.

This place is free from your ego (the part of all of us that is a leaky tire in constant need of being filled up from outside sources). Affirmations are different. They allow you to tap into the secret, powerful, depths of yourself and care for your being by affirming what is there. Do you feel a calling toward a particular feeling you have been having? Is there something in your life that you need and desire to manifest?

If you can use your mind’s eye to creatively visualize you can bring forward all that you desire. How? Simply by “affirming” that it is already here.

Creating Affirmations

The key to the success of an affirmation is its potential or the potentiality of your creative thought. The laws of the universe will respond then not to your “asking” for what you wish – for it does not respond to begging or supplication. However, the universe responds to affirming statements:

I’m BEAUTIFUL!

I AM HEALTHY!

I AM KIND AND LOVING!

Thus, it takes the ideas of creative visualization one step further. Since, it takes a picture from inside your head, a “thought” and creates a statement about this thought in a “word” or verbal format. Take some time to affirm what is in your heart. What do you wish for? Choose an affirming statement to focus on and place your attention on it:

I AM ABUNDANT!

I AM LOVED!

Applying An Affirmation

So how to make the laws of affirmation work in your life? Let’s focus for a moment on the “word” aspect of this “thought, word, and action” process. The words “I am” are a very powerful tool. These words, once again, exceed the ego. “I AM,” tells the universe to put the wheels of energy in motion. b            Besides, It tells the universe you are ready to receive your prayer. However, already you can see the importance of this process. I AM Beautiful!

If I write this on an index card and place it in my pocket, write it several times in my notebook, say it out loud to myself: What happens? I manifest beauty! I feel beautiful.

Waiting for The Results In Peace

Think Positive Power: Once you have affirmed and written your intentions and spoken them, the “action” needs to come from you. Think: If I already had the thing I wished for, what would I do?

For example: if I am beautiful—I need to ask myself: Am I wearing beautiful clothing? Is my make-up on? Am I honoring my body with exercise and nutrition? And if not: I need to take a long look at how I am treating myself—f I wasn’t feeling beautiful before, perhaps treating myself better is what I need to heal.

However, take a moment today to focus on what you need to heal. Then apply the Thought—Word—Action process. I think you will find it to be a powerful tool.

About the Author

Amruta Salunke
Hi! I’m Amruta, a freelancer blogger at https://www.infinitytreasureweb.com/. I love to lend my knowledge about SEO, digital marketing, business, and technology. While not working I love to cook food and enjoy that meal with my family. I also love to travel.  

 

 

%%focuskw%% | Think Positive: Using Affirmations to Create Health, Wealth, and Beauty

I always adore everything like this

Emotional cheating, also known as an emotional affair, represents a different kind of infidelity.  The relationship has not yet reached the point of sexual intimacy, but a deep emotional bond has developed nonetheless.  Although people should have emotionally supportive friendships beyond their romantic partners, emotionally cheating has a secretive element, just like a sexual affair. …

Read More7 Necessary Steps For Forgiving An Emotional Cheater

The post 7 Necessary Steps For Forgiving An Emotional Cheater appeared first on Live Bold and Bloom.

Awesome post I love mindset

“Look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now.” -Lin-Manuel Miranda, from Hamilton of course

Most of us can think of times in our lives that we’d like to relive. Some of these memories may consist of experiences we’d like to redo—those things we wish we could go back and change. Other memories, however, are so pleasant that we wish we could turn back time just for the sake of experiencing them again.

For the purpose of this experiment, let’s ignore the existential questions of whether we’d be reliving those moments with the awareness of the present, or whether we’d simply like to prolong the joy we felt back then.

When these moments occur in the first place—the original events that become memories—we don’t always realize how significant they’ll become in our internal story. That’s only natural, because sometimes ordinary moments can take on much more meaning after the fact.

Based on the explanation so far, we have two categories of memories:

1. Positive life experiences that we’d like to relive

2. Negative life experiences that we’d like to redo

In both cases, the experiences sometimes seem ordinary but become more significant in retrospect.

Now let’s introduce a quick reality check. Sadly, since there isn’t yet a time machine we can order on Amazon Prime—though I’m sure Jeff Bezos is working on it—both categories of memories have something in common:

Aside from reliving them in our mind, either wishing we could change them or simply enjoying them, there isn’t much we can do about them.

But here is some very good news: there is in fact a third category, one that makes all the difference.

The third category contains present moments in which we are aware of their long-term significance.

You don’t need to look back at these moments wistfully—you’re living them right then! These are moments in which we say, “In the future, I’d pay good money for a time machine that would bring me back right here, right now.”

How can we experience more times like these?

I call these experiences time machine moments. The first thing to know is that they are uncommon. While you can appreciate every day for what it brings, by definition the most special moments in your life are highly irregular.

But there are two things you can do to create more of them in your life. Here I’m speaking from experience, as a person who has often struggled with appreciating present moments, always regretting the past or looking to the future. Yet in recent years, whether thanks to the accumulation of “wisdom” or merely out of exhausting all other possibilities, I’ve been able to have more time machine moments.

First, you can pay attention. Look up! Notice. It’s so easy to miss time machine moments when they’re taking place, yet the rewards of experiencing them are so great that it’s worth making a mental shift.

The Hamilton line I used at the top of this post says it best: “Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now.”

Second, you can act on your feelings. These time machine moments don’t come out of nowhere. Even if they seem magical in a way you couldn’t have predicted, surely you made some decision to create the right circumstance.

Consider this: if you won the lottery tomorrow (a really big one, let’s say), you’d probably remember the moment you heard the news for the rest of your life. But to win the lottery, however unlikely it might be, first you have to buy a ticket.

So if you’re walking by a store that sells lottery tickets and you have a weird feeling, maybe you should go inside and buy one.

Of course, the example needn’t be as far-fetched as winning the lottery. Do some of your time machine moments take place with other people? Maybe you should spend more time with them. Do others happen when you’re out on an adventure? Start adventuring!

The point is that paying attention and acting on your feelings can lead to powerful, memorable experiences—more of those moments in which you don’t have to look back later to appreciate in retrospect. You’re enjoying them right then!

###

Images: 1, 2, 3

Anything about this is so important

First Fact: At some point during evolution between plankton and Bon Jovi, apes evolved the ability to become emotionally attached to one another. This emotional attachment would eventually come to be known as “love” and evolution would one day produce a bevy of singers from New Jersey who would make millions writing cheesy songs about it.

Second Fact: Humans evolved the ability to become attached to each other—that is, the ability to love each other—because it helped us survive.1 This isn’t exactly romantic or sexy, but it’s true.

We didn’t evolve big fangs or huge claws or insane gorilla strength. Instead, we evolved the ability to emotionally bond into communities and families where we became largely inclined to cooperate with one another.2 These communities and families turned out to be far more effective than any claw or any fang. Humanity soon dominated the planet.

Cavemen romantic love
Without developing emotional attachments to one another, we probably all would have been eaten by tigers at some point.

Third Fact: As humans, we instinctively develop loyalty and affection for those who show us the most loyalty and affection. This is all love really is: an irrational degree of loyalty and affection for another person—to the point that we’d let ourselves come to harm or even die for that person. It may sound insane, but it’s these symbiotic warm fuzzies that kept the species relying on one another long enough to survive the savannas and populate the planet and invent Netflix.

Fourth Fact: Let’s all take a moment and thank evolution for Netflix.

Fifth Fact: The ancient Greek philosopher Plato argued that the highest form of love was actually this non-sexual, non-romantic form of attachment to another person, this so-called “brotherly love.” Plato reasoned (correctly) that since passion and romance and sex often make us do ridiculous things that we regret, this sort of passionless love between two family members or between two close friends was the height of virtuous human experience. In fact, Plato, like most people in the ancient world, looked upon romantic love with skepticism, if not absolute horror.3

Sixth Fact: As with most things, Plato got it right before anybody else did. And this is why non-sexual love is often referred to as “platonic love.”

Seventh Fact: For most of human history, romantic love was looked upon as a kind of sickness.4 And if you think about it, it’s not hard to figure out why: romantic love causes people (especially young people) to do some stupid shit. Trust me. One time when I was 21, I skipped class, bought a bus ticket, and rode across three states to surprise a girl I was in love with. She freaked out and I was soon back on a bus heading home, just as single as when I came. What an idiot.

That bus ride seemed like a great idea at the time because it seemed like such a romantic idea. My emotions were going crazy the whole time. I was lost in a fantasy world and loving it. But now it’s just sort of an embarrassing thing I did back when I was young and dumb and didn’t know any better.

It’s this sort of poor decision-making that made the ancients skeptical of romantic love’s utility. Instead, many cultures treated it as some sort of unfortunate disease we all have to go through and get over in our lives, kind of like chickenpox. In fact, classic stories like The Iliad or Romeo and Juliet weren’t celebrations of love. They were warnings against the potential negative consequences of love, of how romantic love can potentially ruin everything.

See, for most of human history, people didn’t marry because of their feelings for one another. Feelings didn’t matter in the ancient world.

Why?

Because fuck feelings, there are fields to plow and cows to feed and holy crap Attila the Hun just massacred your entire extended family the next village over.

There was no time for romance. And certainly no tolerance for the risky behaviors it encouraged among people. There was too much life-or-death work to be accomplished. Marriage was meant for baby-making and sound finances.5 Romantic love, if permitted at all, was reserved for the heady realm of mistresses and fuckboys.

For most of human history, for the majority of humanity, their sustenance and survival hung by a tiny thread. People had shorter life expectancies than my mother’s cats. Everything you did had to be done for the simple sake of survival. Marriages were arranged by families not because they liked each other, and especially not because they loved each other, but because their farms went together nicely, and the families could share some wheat or barley when the next flood or drought hit.

Marriages were a purely economic arrangement designed to promote the survival and prosperity of both extended families. So if Junior gets the tingles in his pants and wants to run away with the milkmaid across town, this wasn’t just an inconvenience—this was a legitimate threat to the community’s survival. And it was treated as such. In fact, this kind of behavior was so treacherous in young men that most ancient societies cut a lot of young boy’s balls off so they wouldn’t have to deal with their philandering. This had a side benefit of producing excellent-sounding boys’ choirs.

It wasn’t until the industrial age that things began to change. People began to take up work in city centers and factories. Their income, and thus their economic future, was no longer tied to the land and they were able to make money independent of their family. They didn’t have to rely on inheritances or family connections the way people did in the ancient world, and so the economic and political components of marriage ceased to make much sense.

Industrial Age Romantic Love
Back in the olden days, marriage was seen as a duty, not something you did for personal fulfillment or emotional pleasure.

The new economic realities of the 19th century then cross-pollinated with the ideas that emerged from the Enlightenment about individual rights and the pursuit of happiness, and the result was a full-blown Age of Romanticism. Fuck the cattle, it was the 1800s and people’s feelings suddenly mattered. The new ideal was not only to marry for love but that that love was to live on in bliss for all of the eternity. Thus, it wasn’t until the relatively recent 150 years ago that the ever-popular “happily ever after” ideal was born.6

Then the 20th century rolled around, and in between Hitler and a few genocides, Hollywood and ad agencies grabbed hold of the “happily ever after” fantasy and beat it to death over the next 100 years.

The point here is that romance and all of the weight we tend to put on it is a modern invention, and primarily promoted and marketed by a bunch of businessmen who realized it will get you to pay for movie tickets and/or a new piece of jewelry. As Don Draper once said, “What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.”

Early 20th Century Romantic Love
It wasn’t until people became economically independent that love (or emotions in general) became valued in society.

Romance is an easy sell. We all enjoy seeing the hero get the girl. We enjoy seeing the happy ending. We enjoy believing in “happily ever after.” It feels good. And so the commercial forces that arose in the 20th century took it and ran with it.

But romantic love, and love in general, is far more complicated than we’ve been led to believe by Hollywood movies or jewelry store ads. Nowhere do we hear that love can be unsexy drudgery. Or that love can sometimes be unpleasant or even painful, that it could potentially even be something we don’t want to feel at times. Or that love requires self-discipline and a certain amount of sustained effort over the course of years, decades, a lifetime.

These truths are not exciting. Nor do they sell well.

The painful truth about love is that the real work of a relationship begins after the curtain closes and the credits roll. The real work of a relationship is all the boring, dreary, unsexy things that nobody else sees or appreciates. Like most things in the media, the portrayal of love in pop culture is limited to the highlight reel. All the nuance and complexities of actually living through a relationship is swept away to make room for the exciting headline, the unjust separation, the crazy plot twist, and of course everyone’s favorite happy ending.

Most of us have been so inundated by these messages throughout our entire lives that we have come to mistake the excitement and drama of romance for the whole relationship itself. When we’re swept up by romance, we can’t imagine that anything could possibly go wrong between us and our partner. We can’t see their faults or failures, all we see is their limitless potential and possibility.

This is not love. This is a delusion. And like most delusions, things usually don’t end well.

Which brings me to the Eighth Fact: Just because you love somebody doesn’t mean you should be with them.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to pull us underwater until we drown in their loving arms.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews or whose life path merely weaves in the opposite direction at an inopportune time.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

This is why throughout most of human history, marriage was arranged by the parents. Because they were the ones with some objective perspective on whether their kid was marrying a fuckface or not.

But in the past few centuries, since young people were able to choose their partners themselves (which is a good thing), they instinctively overestimated love’s ability to overcome whatever issues or problems were present in their relationships (which is a bad thing).

This is the definition of a toxic or unhealthy relationship: people who don’t love each other for the person they are, but rather love each other in hopes that their feelings for each other will fill some horribly empty hole in their soul.

Ninth Fact: With greater personal freedom comes a greater requirement for personal responsibility and understanding. And it’s 100 years later and we’re just now gaining the ability to grapple with the responsibilities love brings with it.

People in toxic relationships don’t love each other. They love the idea of each other. They’re in love with the fantasy that is constantly playing out in their head. And instead of ditching the fantasy and getting with the person in front of them, they spend all of their will and energy interpreting and conforming the person in front of them to fit the fantasy they keep spinning for themselves.

And why?

Because they don’t know any better. Or they’re afraid of the vulnerability required to love someone selflessly and healthily.

A few centuries ago, people hated romantic love. They were afraid of it, skeptical of its power and weary of its ability to tilt everyone it touched into making bad choices.

A couple centuries ago, free from the confines of the farm and mom and dad’s approving or disapproving hand, people then overestimated love. They idealized it and willed it to wash away all of their problems and pain forever.

But people are just now starting to figure out that while love is great, that by itself, love is not enough.

That love should not be the cause of your relationships but rather their effect. That love should not define our lives but rather be a by-product of it. That just because someone makes you feel more alive doesn’t mean that you should necessarily live for them.

Nobody talks about the fact that greater personal freedom grants greater opportunities to fuck things up. And it creates greater opportunities to hurt other people. The great liberation of romantic love has brought incredible life experiences into the world. But it’s also brought the necessity for a realistic, honest approach to relationships that accommodates the painful realities of spending a life together.

Some people say in this age of ghosting and swipe-right, that romance is dead. Romance is not dead. It’s merely being postponed—relegated to a safe space where both people need to build a certain degree of comfort and trust before they go bleeding-heart bonkers for one another.

And perhaps that’s actually a good thing.

Footnotes

  1. And attachment is as important to survival today as it ever was. See: Green, M., & Scholes, M. (Eds.). (2004). Attachment and human survival (pp. xi, 164). Karnac Books.
  2. For a review of the evolution of human cooperation, see: Henrich, J., & Muthukrishna, M. (2021). The Origins and Psychology of Human Cooperation. Annual Review of Psychology, 72(1), 207–240.
  3. For a 100-page deep dive into the topic, see: Kelsen, H. (1942). Platonic Love. American Imago, 3(1/2), 3–110.
  4. See: Caston, R. R. (2006). Love as Illness: Poets and Philosophers on Romantic Love. The Classical Journal, 101(3), 271–298.
  5. See this study for an economic analysis of marriage for the purpose of propagation (a.k.a. baby-making), and this book chapter for the role of marriage in finances in olden-day China.
  6. For more on this heady era, see: Schneider, J. F. (2007). The Age of Romanticism (Illustrated edition). Westport: Greenwood.