Who else? <3self-improvement

Stop Asking Couples When They Are Having Kids

“So, when are you having kids?” my aunt asked me soon after I got married. At that point, I had just been married for a few months. I didn’t even know *if* I wanted kids, much less *when* I was having them.

Caught off guard, I replied matter-of-factly, “I have not decided if I want to have kids.” Little did I realize that I would spend the next hour listening to stories of women who put off having children until it was too late, as well as women who had difficulty conceiving for various reasons, with the implicit message being that I was going to regret it if I didn’t hurry and work on producing babies.

This would be my life for the next few years, where I would receive constant questions around “When are you having kids?” from relatives and random people, followed by a routine, almost ritualistic pressurization to have kids.

Lest you think that it ends after having a child, it doesn’t. The people who previously tried to tell you to have “just one kid” when you were indifferent to the idea, will now tell you to have a second one, along with reasons why you should do so. It seems like this questioning process never ends.

The problem with asking people “When are you having kids?”

I understand why people like to ask this question. Find a partner, settle down, get married, and have kids. This is the life path that we’ve been taught to follow since young. This is the life script that we’ve been told is *the* way of life, that would bring us ultimate joy and happiness.

This is especially so in the Chinese culture, where having kids is seen as the ultimate goal in life. There are even sayings built around this notion, such as 生儿育女 (shēng ér yù nǚ), which means to birth sons and raise daughters, and 子孙满堂 (zǐ sūn mǎn táng), which means to be in a room filled with children and grandchildren, used to signify the epitome of happiness.

Multi-Generation Chinese Family at the Park

A multi-generation family, often used to depict a vision of happiness in the Chinese culture

So after you get married, people automatically assume that you should have kids. “When are you having kids?” they ask, somehow expecting you to give them a straight answer to what is really a personal question.

The problem with this question is that it’s rude. It’s presumptuous. It’s also insensitive.

1) There are many different paths to happiness

Firstly, everyone has their own path in life. Some people want kids, while some don’t. Some think that having kids is the greatest joy in life, while some see them as a burden. At the end of the day, having kids isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. There are significant ups and downs that come with having a kid, and for some people, the ups do not justify the downs. For these people, it may simply be better to remain childless, rather than having kids just to fit in or to fit societal expectations, and then set their lives up for unhappiness. To assume that everyone should have kids, just because you think that having kids is great and important, is rude and disregards that person’s own preferences in life.

For example, Oprah Winfrey is an inspiring woman and humanitarian who chose not to have kids, but has instead dedicated herself to her personal life purpose of serving the world. Oprah hosted her talk show The Oprah Winfrey Show for 25 years, founded a leadership academy for girls and became a mother figure to the girls in attendance, and started her own television network. These are things that most do not get to do in their lifetime. Through the years, she has inspired millions and become a champion for people worldwide. As she says,

“When people were pressuring me to get married and have children, I knew I was not going to be a person that ever regretted not having them, because I feel like I am a mother to the world’s children. Love knows no boundaries. It doesn’t matter if a child came from your womb or if you found that person at age two, 10, or 20. If the love is real, the caring is pure and it comes from a good space, it works.” — Oprah[1]

Is she not being a responsible or purposeful person or woman by choosing not to have kids? Definitely not. In fact, I dare say that she lives a much more purposeful life than many in the world, including some people who choose to have kids.

There are many famous celebrities who have chosen not to have kids as well.

  • Chelsea Handler is a talk show host who chose not to have kids. She has said honestly in interviews that she doesn’t have the time to raise a child, and she doesn’t want her kids to be raised by a nanny.[2][3]
  • Betty White is an actress and comedian who chose not to have kids because she’s passionate about her career and she prefers to focus on it.[4]
  • Ashley Judd is an actress and politican activist who chose not to have kids because she feels that there are already so many orphaned kids in this world. To her, her resources can be better used to help those who are already here, and I respect her for such a noble choice.[5]

And then there are others, such as Cameron Diaz, Chow Yun Fat, Marisa Tomei (the actress for Peter Parker’s aunt in Tom Holland’s Spider Man film series), Renée Zellweger, and Rachael Ray. These people choose not to have kids for different reasons, such as because they’re already pursuing paths deeply meaningful to them, because they do not wish to be tied down with a child, or because they just don’t feel a deep desire to have kids.

Not having kids has not prevented these people from being happy in life, and there’s no reason to assume why people must have kids in order to be happy. People need to stop painting this narrative that one must have children in order to be happy. There are plenty of people with kids who are unhappy, and plenty of people without kids who have found inner fulfillment in life through other ways. There is no one path to happiness, and people need to realize that.

2) You may well cause hurt and pain

Secondly, you never know what others are going through.

Some people may want kids, but maybe they are facing fertility struggles. For example,

  • Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan went through three miscarriages before having their firstborn.[6]
  • The Obamas had a miscarriage before they had their daughters via IVF.[7]
  • Friends star Courteney Cox had a total of seven miscarriages before having her daughter, as she has a MTHFR gene mutation which raises the risk of miscarriage-causing blood clots.[8]

About 10% of women have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant,[9] while 13.5% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages, with the figure rising as the maternal age rises.[10]

For some people, the journey to conceive is fraught with deep pain, struggle, and losses as they experience miscarriages, undergo round after round of invasive fertility treatments, and wait in hope of the double blue lines on their pregnancy kit each month.

And then there are people who cannot have their own biological children due to issues with their reproductive system, which could have been there since birth.

Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, and family

Barack and Michelle Obama had a miscarriage before they had their daughters via IVF

While you may be think that you’re being helpful or funny by asking people when they’re having kids, your question may well trigger hurt and pain. As Zuckerberg said,

“You feel so hopeful when you learn you’re going to have a child. You start imagining who they’ll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they’re gone. It’s a lonely experience.”[6]

3) Not everyone is in a place to have kids

Thirdly, having kids is simply not a reality for some people due to their circumstances in life.

Some people may lack the financial resources to have kids, a reality in a place like Singapore.

Some people may be facing problems with their marriage, in which case their priority should be to work on their marriage, not to have kids.

Some people may be so burdened with caring for their dependents that they are unable to consider kids, at least not at the moment.

And then there are people facing chronic health issues, issues that you don’t know and can’t see, which make pregnancy difficult due to the toll it would take on their body.

4) Some couples could still be thinking

And then there are people who are neutral to the idea of having kids, like myself when I just got married. These people need time to think it through, because having kids is a permanent, lifelong decision with serious consequences. There’s no reason to assume that having a kid should be an automatic decision, because you’re bringing a whole new life into this world. This is a decision that will change your life forever, as well as the life of the child you’re bringing into the world.

For those yet to have kids, they need the space to figure out what they want, not have people breathe down their neck day in and out about having kids.

My experience

For the initial years after I got married, I just wasn’t thinking about kids. Firstly, having a child is a lifelong decision, and I wanted to enjoy married life with my husband before diving into a decision as serious as that. Secondly, both my husband and I were genuinely happy spending the rest of our lives with just each other — we didn’t feel the need to have kids at all, not in the way my culture obsesses about it. Thirdly, my husband was dealing with some personal problems, and I was fully focused on supporting him through these. These were issues that we needed to sort through before considering kids, if we were to want kids.

Yet I kept getting nudges to have kids, even though I never said anything about wanting them.

“So, when are you having kids?”

“This person’s baby is so cute, isn’t it? Why don’t you hurry up and birth a baby?”

It was as if I was some vehicle, some production machine to have kids, where my own views in the matter didn’t matter. The most frustrating thing was that I kept getting this question, while my husband would never get it (as a man), not even when we were in the same room together.

It was as if my sole reason for existence as a woman was to have kids, and until I had them, I was regarded as unworthy or incomplete.

The decision to have kids

Yet the decision to have children is a personal one. It is also a complex one. It is a decision that will permanently change the lives of the couple in question.

It is not a decision that one should be pressurized into making because their mom wants to carry grandchildren or their aunt wants to play with kids. It’s a decision that a couple should make because they genuinely want to nurture another life.

Because when a child is born, the people bugging others to have kids aren’t the ones who will be caring for the baby 24/7, whose lives will be set back by years (even decades) as they care for a new life, or who will be responsible for every decision concerning the child for the next 18-21 years.

It will be the couple.

And the people who aren’t ready, who were pressured into having kids because they were told that it was the best thing to do, may have to deal with regret as they are stuck with a decision they cannot undo. Because there are people who regret having kids, and we need to be honest about that. These people regret, not because of the child’s fault, but because they were simply not ready to have kids, be it financially, emotionally, or mentally. Unfortunately, the children are the ones who eventually suffer, from living in dysfunctional households to dealing with issues of violenceabuse, and anger.

We need to recognize these realities, and not make parenthood seem like it’s some magical band-aid that solves a lack of purpose or life’s pressures. Things don’t magically get better because people have kids; existing problems usually worsen as having a child puts a big strain on a couple’s lives. Digging into people’s plans to have kids, and pressurizing them into one of the biggest life decisions they can ever make, will only stress them out and perhaps push some into depression. As this redditor shared,

“I have a friend who went through 6 years of miscarriages and fertility treatments before the doctors figured out the problem and she had her son. The nosy ladies at her work and her in-laws questioned her constantly. The depression from that made it harder for her to conceive.”

Stop asking couples when they’re having kids

So, if you tend to ask others when they’re having kids, it’s time to stop that. It’s rude, insensitive, and it disregards people’s privacy. It’s also none of your business.

The reality is that if people want kids, they will work on having kids. They don’t need you to prod them about it.

If they don’t have kids, it’s either because

  1. they really don’t want kids,
  2. they are not in a position to consider kids right now, or
  3. they want kids but they are facing some struggles.

For people in group (c), they aren’t going to share such deeply personal experience over some afternoon coffee chat, and certainly not by you asking, “When are you having kids?”

The best thing you can do is to give people their personal space. Understand that having kids is a personal decision, and people don’t have to share or explain anything. Respect that others have their right to privacy. Respect that people are individuals on their own path, and this path may not involve having kids. And this doesn’t make them incomplete or lesser in any way.

Instead of asking women or couples, “When are you having kids?”, talk to them like how you would a normal person. There’s no reason why conversations should suddenly revolve around childbearing after marriage; it’s not like a person’s identity changes to revolve around having kids. A person still has their own passion, goals, and dreams. Talk to them about what they’ve been doing. Understand their interests. Know them as a real person, not some random being here to fulfill society’s checklist.

If you’re really interested in someone’s plan to have children, you can simply ask, “Are you and your partner planning to have kids?” If they wish to share more, they will do so. If they give a generic answer, then take the hint and move on.

Ultimately, having kids or not doesn’t change a person’s self-worth. A woman is complete with or without kids. A marriage doesn’t need kids to be deemed complete. Having kids should be a conscious choice, not a result of external pressure. Don’t judge people by whether they have kids or not. Some people will have kids, and some people will not have kids. Some will have kids early, while some will have them later in life. All of these are different paths and there’s nothing wrong with them.

For Me

For my husband and I, we eventually had a few discussions and decided to have a baby, and had our baby girl this year (2020). 😊 Yet other people’s comments and nudges to have children didn’t make me want to have children; it only annoyed me and made me want to avoid these people, because having a child is a personal decision between me and my husband, that has nothing to do with them. It was after we had the space to settle down and enjoy married life without kids, and took some time to actively pursue our goals and interests, that we finally felt ready to try for a kid last year.

In the meantime, I hope all of you are doing well. There are other things that I’m working on, other things that are happening that I look forward to sharing in time to come. Sending lots of love to you, and remember that whatever life challenge you’re facing, you have it in you to overcome it. I’ll talk to you guys soon! 🙂

I think anything about mindset are fab

ender-vatan-2_wSj_4osX0-unsplash

Pandemic life has taught many of us to appreciate moments in life that might otherwise pass us by. I’ve been trying to pause and take note of how I feel at the end of the day, often as I walk in the park or one of my nearby neighborhoods.

With that in mind, here’s a tip inspired by The Art of Stopping Time, a book by Pedram Shojai: whenever you visit a place that’s new to you, consider the sense that you might never be there again.

Just imagine: this might be it! Your one and only opportunity in a lifetime to visit this particular place. How might this realization make you feel?

What, you say you aren’t traveling much now? That’s okay.

This “new place” could be anywhere: a part of the woods you’ve never seen on your next nature hike, for example, or even a street in your neighborhood you’ve never driven down before. The point is to create awareness and appreciation.

I wish I’d had this concept in mind many years ago when I was traveling to several new countries every month. Looking back now, I can remember dozens of highlights that might fit the category of “never returning.”

In Somaliland, I rode several hours in a crowded minibus, listening to people chatter away. We stopped for food (goat stew! I’m a vegetarian, but it was interesting to observe) and drank from a shared bottle of Coca-Cola. Those were the days…

In Bosnia, a totally different part of the world, I traveled overland (this time on a full-sized bus) from Sarajevo to Herceg Novi. The city itself was magical. It felt like one of those “Land Before Time” moments.

ivan-aleksic-ldSYiEs7--4-unsplash

As interesting as those experiences were, I don’t know if I’ll ever repeat them. In fact, almost certainly I won’t. Even when I return to traveling more often, Montenegro and Somaliland aren’t that easy to jet off to.

Not only that, even though I can remember dozens of highlights from my adventures, I’m sure there are hundreds—thousands even—that I’ve forgotten or simply don’t come to mind when I think about this concept.

That’s why it’s good to consider the concept while you’re in a new place. It might help you remember it later, but even if not, you’ll have the moment of appreciation while you’re there.

Oh, and I like thinking about this idea for travel, but technically I suppose you could apply it to anything, even not something related to being in a particular place.

Whatever you’re doing or experiencing today, you might never do or experience it again. Let it sink in and consider how it feels.

###

Image: Ender

anyone like this as much as i do

Before you say “good riddance!” to 2020, slow down and listen up. This is important.

I have some big news to share that’ll help you have more clarity, confidence, resilience, and success in the new year.

It has a lot to do with what my mom used to tell me as a little girl growing up in Jersey. 

“Marie, nothing in life is that complicated,” she’d say from halfway under the sink as she fixed a leak. “You can do whatever you set your mind to if you roll up your sleeves. Everything is figureoutable.”

I talk about this a lot. Everything is figureoutable was the theme of my Oprah talk and the title of my #1 NY Times Bestseller. Why do I keep harping on about it?


You are a one-time mega event in the universe. Don’t waste it.
Click To Tweet


Because if you’re having trouble solving a problem or reaching a dream, the problem isn’t you. And it’s not the dumpster fire of 2020, either — truly. It’s that you haven’t yet installed this one belief that changes everything.

So here’s the big, exciting news:

The paperback edition of my bestselling book, Everything is Figureoutable, just launched today!

It’s hard to believe that one year ago, my team and I were in New York City doing the book launch to end all book launches. We had a massive event in NYC that kicked off a world tour with in-person gatherings around the globe. How the world has changed.

The Paperback Cover Reveal: New Look, Same Unstoppable Results

When we first released Everything is Figureoutable, I wanted the cover to be powerful, fresh, and exciting.

It took hundreds of hours collaborating with my team and the publisher to create the hardcover design you know and love. We even released a behind-the-scenes MarieTV all about the design process.

When it came to launching the paperback, we had a choice. 

Stick to the original? Or create a whole new design?

You know me — I couldn’t resist a challenge, and I’m thrilled with the result.

Now, you may know that the words “everything is figureoutable” came from my mother’s little Tropicana orange radio. As a little girl, I knew I could find her somewhere around the house by listening for the tinny sound coming from that radio.

This radio became a symbol for me — that everything really is figureoutable — and, since the launch of this book, thousands of you have adopted it as a symbol for yourselves.

This past year I’ve needed the “everything is figureoutable mantra more than ever. Even as I write this, I’m still recovering from an emergency hysterectomy that I definitely didn’t see coming.

But you know what this year of uncertainty, crisis, and change has taught me? What my team, our community, and YOU have shown me again and again?

That everything really is figureoutable — no matter what the circumstances.

To celebrate the life-changing impact of this book, we’re releasing a brand new cover design for the paperback (check it out below). Plus, you’ll get to read stories from folks who’ve used these three words to transform every aspect of their lives. Yes, even during a global pandemic.

I’m grateful I got this book out into the world in time to help people navigate the-year-that-never-ends.

And I’m excited to introduce it to you again in its whole new form.

Featuring, of course, my mom’s orange radio.

You can listen to an excerpt right now on MarieTV and The Marie Forleo Podcast.

Proof That Everything is Figureoutable (Even in 2020 & Beyond)

Want to test human resilience, creativity, courage, and fortitude? How about a pandemic, a social revolution, a harrowing election, and a stacking of personal loss, crisis, economic devastation, and illness? That’ll about do it — thanks 2020, you can stop now.

While I’m eager to welcome 2021, I’m also deeply grateful for getting Everything is Figureoutable out into the world when we did.

Over the past year, we’ve heard from SO many folks who’ve not just read the book, but DONE the book and created extraordinary results in the process. Read these three letters to inspire you to use the figureoutable mindset to create the life you want.

Hi Marie,
I wanted to thank you for your leadership and wisdom. I read your book at the start of this pandemic (back in April, which feels like a century ago now!) and it helped me completely transform my life.

Pre-Covid, I was a “starving artist”, working in a restaurant at night and auditioning for musicals during the day. When all the restaurants in NYC shut down, I knew it was my chance to get out of the restaurant industry for good, and find something else to do for money that would use my innovative creativity and storytelling skills. 

Since April, I have started a thriving digital marketing business, and I’ve picked up 2 part-time jobs — one Creative Director position and one Marketing Assistant position. I cannot believe that in the span of 5 months (and in the middle of a pandemic!) I would be able to find work that I am passionate about.

Thank you so much for all your wisdom and for kickstarting the idea that I could figure out anything if I set my mind to it. I feel like it was fate that I stumbled upon your book when I did.
~Sarah, New York

You don’t have to figure everything out at the same time. This next letter from Ellen shows how figuring out the small stuff first builds momentum to achieve your big dreams and pass on a legacy.

One day my car tire was nearly flat and I had no clue what to do. I remembered Marie’s mantra and Googled my car model and tire air pressure at the gas station and sorted out my flat tire in two minutes. This gave me proof and confidence that everything IS figureoutable. 

I’ve since gone on to get a well paying job and run my own business on the side. I have a range of power tools and my very own toolbox to flip a new four-bedroom house by the sea in Ireland. I passed Marie’s mantra on through word and action to my four children. Three of them have flown the coop and are studying law, accountancy, and psychology. They are living and working independently from me without a single loan. Marie’s mantra is their mantra as well as mine and I know they’ll pass it on to their children in the future.
~ Ellen, Ireland

And then there’s Bradford, who’s story makes me cry and cheer every time I read it.

I just thought I’d share with all y’all my own story of “figureoutable”… I am coming off a 7-year life stint that began with my mom coming down with Alzheimer’s. One day I got a call from my dad who let me know that he had to have my mom picked up and sent to the hospital, at which point we were told she’d never be able to go home again. We knew this day was going to inevitably come but we were devastated. We also had NO IDEA how to handle any of what was happening — or what was to come. 

Long story short, in the throes of heartbreak, we got my mom placed into a good memory care facility and began the process of figuring out the legal and financial matters. Again, with NO CLUE how any of this worked or how it would all come together. Then I had to pack up and sell our family home, move my dad into a new place, get him settled, find out within 6 months of moving in that HE had Alzheimer’s too (!!?!!), sell his new place, move him up to live near me so I could be his caregiver (while working a full-time job), eventually find him a memory care facility, plan their funeral arrangements, and — within the past year — say goodbye to both of them as they passed away. I had no fucking idea going into any of this but, in the end, it was indeed, figureoutable.

So, on the heels of all of that and with a new and deeply profound appreciation for the preciousness of life, I am now wrapping up my job (with healthy savings in the bank, mind you) to start off on a new life journey as an artist. Do I know exactly how I’ll get there? Not really. But now — more than EVER — I know that I’ll figure it out. And I’m thrilled to have your insights and inspiration for my journey into this new chapter.
~Bradford Crowder

Beautiful, right?

This is why I wrote Everything is Figureoutable. The exercises in this book retrain your brain to think more creatively and positively, even in the face of the most horrific setbacks.

It won’t always be easy. Or straightforward. But once you’ve ingrained this belief into your operating system, the inevitable obstacles, pain, devastation, and challenges that come with life won’t be any match for your inner resolve, creativity, and strength. 

Your Future Is Figureoutable

In the comments below, let me know one thing you most want to figure out in 2021. Do you want to sleep train your infant? Start a photography business? Tackle the climate crisis? Sing karaoke? It’s all fair game. Share your dream below — you never know when it might inspire someone else to do the same.

And, if you haven’t already, grab your paperback copy of Everything is Figureoutable.

Remember — no matter what happened in 2020 or what you’ll face in the new year — you have what it takes to figure anything out and become the person you’re meant to be.

XO

The post Your Future Is Figureoutable — NEW Paperback Book Cover Revealed appeared first on .

I think stuff about method is fab

ender-vatan-2_wSj_4osX0-unsplash

Pandemic life has taught many of us to appreciate moments in life that might otherwise pass us by. I’ve been trying to pause and take note of how I feel at the end of the day, often as I walk in the park or one of my nearby neighborhoods.

With that in mind, here’s a tip inspired by The Art of Stopping Time, a book by Pedram Shojai: whenever you visit a place that’s new to you, consider the sense that you might never be there again.

Just imagine: this might be it! Your one and only opportunity in a lifetime to visit this particular place. How might this realization make you feel?

What, you say you aren’t traveling much now? That’s okay.

This “new place” could be anywhere: a part of the woods you’ve never seen on your next nature hike, for example, or even a street in your neighborhood you’ve never driven down before. The point is to create awareness and appreciation.

I wish I’d had this concept in mind many years ago when I was traveling to several new countries every month. Looking back now, I can remember dozens of highlights that might fit the category of “never returning.”

In Somaliland, I rode several hours in a crowded minibus, listening to people chatter away. We stopped for food (goat stew! I’m a vegetarian, but it was interesting to observe) and drank from a shared bottle of Coca-Cola. Those were the days…

In Bosnia, a totally different part of the world, I traveled overland (this time on a full-sized bus) from Sarajevo to Herceg Novi. The city itself was magical. It felt like one of those “Land Before Time” moments.

ivan-aleksic-ldSYiEs7--4-unsplash

As interesting as those experiences were, I don’t know if I’ll ever repeat them. In fact, almost certainly I won’t. Even when I return to traveling more often, Montenegro and Somaliland aren’t that easy to jet off to.

Not only that, even though I can remember dozens of highlights from my adventures, I’m sure there are hundreds—thousands even—that I’ve forgotten or simply don’t come to mind when I think about this concept.

That’s why it’s good to consider the concept while you’re in a new place. It might help you remember it later, but even if not, you’ll have the moment of appreciation while you’re there.

Oh, and I like thinking about this idea for travel, but technically I suppose you could apply it to anything, even not something related to being in a particular place.

Whatever you’re doing or experiencing today, you might never do or experience it again. Let it sink in and consider how it feels.

###

Image: Ender

Tremendous very interesting

%%sitename%% | The Self-Improvement Blog | Self-Esteem | Self Confidence

how to behave in court

Being arrested means two things: either you get released free of charges or get charged in a court of law. It will be lucky if you get released without charges. In situations where you are charged, you need to cooperate with court rules to avoid hurting your chances, including being freed on bond, having a lenient jail term, or lower fines. In some cases, arrested individuals end up taking actions that lead to more charges or blowing up their freedom altogether. You have to cooperate by meeting deadlines, getting the best lawyer, choosing the best juror, and having enough evidence, among other practices. With this, you are assured of securing your freedom sooner than expected. Here are some of the permissible acts.

How to Behave in Court

1. Meet The Set Deadlines

Once you are booked for a lawsuit, you always have a file that contains instructions and other deadlines you must meet. Such instructions and deadlines are from the prosecutor, the magistrate, or judge, and if followed keenly, might increase your chances of your case getting terminated. These rules outline everything you need to do or avoid during the trial, and you must make sure they are followed to the latter. What if there is contempt? If you disrespect these instructions, your case might turn worse, and you may get additional charges. It will help if you get a lawyer who will help appeal the charges or get you a lenient punishment if you disrespect any court procedures. 

2. Choose A Judge Or Jury Trial

If charged in a court of law, a judge or juror might determine your case, depending on its circumstances. The good thing about this situation is that you can choose your case to be heard by a specific person through a lawyer’s request. Such happens when you need sympathy and when your case is faced with disturbing facts or passing through a complicated law. Judges are unbiased, and they can give you a better trial than jurors. Most people also prefer using a judge because they are easily accessible. You can agree with your attorney and the claimant to have your case was taken by a judge than a juror to avoid hurting your release chances. If the claimant opposes the move, you will have no choice but face the juror, regardless of the situation.

3. Get The Right Evidence

Sometimes, having the right evidence against your opponent increases your chances of sailing through the court case. Before presenting your evidence to the court, sit down with your attorney and go through such evidence and let them guide you if it’s the right one and if permissible by the court. Not all pieces of evidence can be used in court. It would help if you went through your documents, photos and videos, statements, and physical items and chose the best allowed in court. You don’t have to master everything, but your attorney can give you a checklist to guide you in presenting something that will make you win your case. It would also be essential to check the kind of evidence your opponent has to develop a stronger defense. Always remember that lawsuits are much determined by evidence. Get the best for better chances of winning.

how to behave in court

4. Have A Trial Notebook

Sometimes, you have to rehearse how your trial will be before the actual day to see if you have mastered all the steps and evidence. A trial book helps you in these rehearsals and helps get everything right before the trial day to avoid inconveniences. With such trials, you will know how to testify, present your evidence and even question witnesses and give your final verdict. It would help to get a simple binder that contains tabs for each presentation. Who will be judging your trials? You can either use your lawyer or family members to support you in this move. It will help you in avoiding silly mistakes that can cost your case. Is this step vital? Yes, we have had instances of people losing their trial simply because they never understand how to present their case and follow the right processes.

5. Learn The Ropes

Standing in court means facing the most skilled, experienced law individuals, including magistrates, prosecutors, jurors, law enforcers, lawyers, and even your opponent and their witnesses. How much are you prepared for this? You need to learn the necessary procedures and terms used in courts and the several ways you can prove your case. You can learn the simple given court rules by reading court documents, watching trials, or getting some coaching from your attorney. There are enough resources online to master how cases are presented and won in a court of law. There is usually a gap between mentioning the case and the hearing date. Use this gap to master all the necessary skills and experience required.

6. Be Respectful To The Courts

There are always rules and regulations in courts to help individuals address others in an honorable way or observe some court etiquette. Failing to obey the court disciplines and following the set rules might limit your chances of winning the case. Try as much to be polite by addressing the attendants in a required manner and talking when given an opportunity, even if you have an objection to something said by the opponent. Being accommodating will make the judges respect your calmness and may even offer you a lenient or have a pleasant experience in court. 

7. Be Assertive

Sometimes, your lawyer might fail to present you as required, making you find it necessary to stand for yourself and protect your image and freedom. Such happens when your lawyer can’t represent the given facts or when they ignore your instructions as discussed before the hearing. You can either inform the judge humbly that you want to present yourself or get your attorney’s replacement to someone better. Many judges do grant this request and ensure you get a fair hearing according to your case. They will also stop the opposing lawyer from taking advantage of your situation as you get a better replacement for your case.

Getting jailed because you could not represent yourself well in court can be an embarrassing situation that you will regret all your life. Besides getting a competent lawyer, which is necessary, it would help follow the above tips to get acquitted soon.

%%focuskw%% | How To Behave In Court So You Don’t Hurt Your Chances

Anything related to this is important

By Leo Babauta

The title of this article is a bit misleading, because every moment is already perfect and doesn’t need to be improved. But our experience of the moment can be fraught with difficulty, and we have the power to create a new experience in each moment.

The problems we face stem from our narrative about the moment: we are constantly interpreting things in a certain way, so that we don’t even notice that we have this interpretation or narrative.

For example:

  • If someone hasn’t returned my text message, I might interpret it as meaning that they’re upset with me in some way, and feel hurt.
  • When someone asks a question, I can interpret that as a criticism of me, and get bothered by it.
  • When I haven’t done all the things on my task list, I can interpret that as another sign that I’m doing things wrong, and feel discouraged and guilty about that.

In any moment, we have a narrative about that moment. A story, an interpretation, an evaluation. And that story will determine our experience.

Here’s the powerful thing we can practice:

  1. We can drop the story and just experience the moment, exactly as it is; and
  2. We can create a more powerful story.

Let’s take each of those in turn.

Experiencing the Moment As Is

Right now, take a look around — you are surrounded by air, light, sound, objects, life. This is the moment, just as it is.

Now, you’ll immediately begin to interpret all of that, and create a narrative about it: it’s messy, that person is irritating, you haven’t done certain things, etc.

But what would it be like to just drop that story and see the moment just as it is, without interpretation?

See it with beginner’s mind. With the eyes of a child seeing a cloud or tasting an orange for the first time. As if it were a completely new experience.

You can practice this by going for a walk — on the walk, see if you can experience it afresh, without a narrative or evaluations. Just see the moment. Just experience the world directly, without a layer of interpretation. Bring curiosity to all of it.

The effect of this is to drop the story that creates struggle and suffering. It gives a directness to your experience.

Create a New, Powerful Story

It’s hard to go through life with no story — but there are ones we can bring into the our experience that are helpful, even powerful.

Once we’ve dropped our old story, and just experienced life directly, here are some interpretations that I’ve found to be powerful:

  • Wonder & awe: We can see everything around us as a miracle. As wondrous and awe-inspiring. This is an appreciation for the incredible nature of life. It’s a practice of loving what is.
  • Gratitude: Similar to finding awe in everything, can we be grateful for what’s here in this moment? For ourselves and others? This is not just appreciating what is there, but feeling grateful that you have it.
  • Compassion: When you notice suffering in others or yourself, you can generate a wish for that suffering to come to an end, for the person to find peace and even happiness. Send this compassion outward to others. This generates a loving feeling in the heart that adds something wonderful to the experience of this moment.
  • We are all interconnected: This is an appreciation that we are not isolated, but instead we are all supporting each other. Everything we have is supported by many others. Everything we do affects others, and can be a positive influence on others. An appreciation of this interconnection is a way to not take it for granted, and to do what we can to positively influence other people.

You might have other stories that help you — stories of empowerment, of love, of generosity. After dropping old stories and experiencing the moment directly, try these stories on and see how they affect your experience.

With this kind of practice, you can create a beautiful experience of any moment.

The post How to Improve Any Moment appeared first on zen habits.