“So, when are you having kids?” my aunt asked me straight in the face, soon after I got married. At that point, I had been married for a few months. I didn’t even know if I wanted kids, much less when I was having them.
Caught off guard, I said, “I have not decided if I want kids.” I would spend the next hour listening to stories of women who had difficulty conceiving for a variety of reasons, with the implicit message being that I was going to be like them and regret it if I didn’t hurry and work on churning out babies.
This would be my life for the next few years, where I received varying forms of “When are you having kids?”, followed by a routine, almost ritualistic pressurization to have kids.
Lest you think that it ends after having a child, it doesn’t — the people who previously tried to persuade you to have “just one kid” when you were indifferent to the idea, now tell you to have “just one more.” It seems like you just can’t win. 😒
The problem with asking, “When are you having kids?”
I can understand why people like to ask this question. Find a partner, settle down, get married, and have kids. This is the life path that we’ve been taught to follow since young. This is the path that we’ve been told is the way of life, which would bring us ultimate joy and happiness.
This is especially so in the Chinese culture, where having kids is seen as the ultimate goal in life. There are even sayings built around this notion, such as 生儿育女 (shēng ér yù nǚ), which means to birth sons and raise daughters, and 子孙满堂 (zǐ sūn mǎn táng), which means to be in a room filled with children and grandchildren.
So after you get married, people automatically assume that you should have kids. “When are you having kids?” they ask, somehow expecting you to give them a straight answer.
The problem with this question is that it’s rude. It’s presumptuous. It’s also insensitive.
1) Happiness can come in different forms
Firstly, everyone has their path in life. Some people want kids, while some don’t want kids. Some people think that having kids is the greatest joy in life, while some see having kids as a burden to their carefree life. To presume that everyone should have kids, especially when the person has never said anything about wanting kids, is rude and disregards the person’s preferences and choice in life.
Take for example, Oprah Winfrey. She chose not to have children and has dedicated herself to her personal purpose of serving the world. Oprah hosted her talk show The Oprah Winfrey Show which ran for 25 years, founded a leadership academy for girls and became a mother figure to the girls in attendance, and started her own television network. Through the years, she has inspired millions and become a champion for humans worldwide. As she says,
“When people were pressuring me to get married and have children, I knew I was not going to be a person that ever regretted not having them, because I feel like I am a mother to the world’s children. Love knows no boundaries. It doesn’t matter if a child came from your womb or if you found that person at age two, 10, or 20. If the love is real, the caring is pure and it comes from a good space, it works.” — Oprah
There are other people who chose not to have kids as well.
- Betty White, actress and comedian, chose not to have kids as she’s passionate about her career and focused on it.
- Chelsea Handler, talkshow host, doesn’t have kids as she doesn’t have the time to raise a child herself, and she doesn’t want her kids to be raised by a nanny.
- Ashley Judd, actress and politican activist, chose not to have kids as there are already so many orphaned kids in this world, and she feels that her resources can be better used to help those already here.
And then there are others who chose not to have kids, such as Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, Cameron Diaz, Chow Yun Fat, Marisa Tomei, Renée Zellweger, and Rachael Ray. These people choose not to have kids for different reasons, such as because they’re pursuing paths deeply meaningful to them, they do not wish to be tied down with a child, or they just don’t feel a deep desire to have kids. Not having kids has not prevented them from being happy in life, and there’s no reason to assume why people must have kids in order to be happy.
2) You may well cause hurt and pain
Secondly, you never know what others are going through.
Some people may want kids, but maybe they are facing fertility struggles.
- Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan went through three miscarriages before having their firstborn.
- The Obamas had a miscarriage before they had their daughters via IVF.
- Friends star Courteney Cox had a total of seven miscarriages before having her daughter, as she has a MTHFR gene mutation which raises the risk of miscarriage-causing blood clots.
For some people, the journey to conceive is fraught with deep pain, struggle, and losses as they experience miscarriages, undergo round after round of invasive fertility treatments, and wait in hope of the double blue lines on their pregnancy kit each month.
And then there are people who cannot have their own biological children due to issues with their reproductive system, which could have been there since birth.
While you may be think that you’re being helpful or funny by asking people when they’re having kids, your question may well trigger hurt and pain. As Zuckerberg said,
“You feel so hopeful when you learn you’re going to have a child. You start imagining who they’ll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they’re gone. It’s a lonely experience.”
3) Not everyone is in a position to have kids
Thirdly, having kids is simply not a reality for some people due to their circumstances in life.
Some people may lack the financial resources to have kids, a reality in a place like Singapore.
Some people may be facing problems with their marriage, in which case their priority should be to work on their marriage, not to have kids.
Some people may be so burdened with caring for their dependents that they are unable to consider kids, at least not at the moment.
And then there are people facing chronic health issues, issues that you don’t know and can’t see, which make pregnancy difficult due to the toll it would take on their body.
4) Some couples could still be thinking
And then there are people who are neutral to the idea of having kids, like myself when I just got married. These people need time to think it through, because having kids is a permanent, lifelong decision with serious consequences. There’s no reason to assume that having a kid should be an automatic decision, because you’re bringing a whole new life into this world. This is a decision that will change your life forever, as well as the life of the child you’re bringing into the world.
For those yet to have kids, they need the space to figure out what they want, not have people breathe down their neck day in and out about having kids.
For the initial years after I got married, I just wasn’t thinking about kids. Firstly, having a child is a lifelong decision, and I wanted to enjoy married life with just my husband first, before diving into a decision as serious as that. Secondly, both my husband and I were genuinely happy spending the rest of our lives with just each other — we didn’t feel the need to have kids at all, not in the way my culture obssesses about it. Thirdly, my husband was dealing with some personal problems, and I was fully focused on supporting him through these. These were issues that we needed to sort through before considering kids, if we were to want kids.
Yet I kept getting nudges to have kids, even though I never said anything about wanting them.
“So, when are you having kids?”
“[This relative’s] baby is so cute, isn’t it? Why don’t you hurry up and birth a baby?”
It was as if I was some vehicle, some production machine to have kids, where my own views in the matter didn’t matter. The most frustrating thing was that I kept getting this question, while my husband would never get it (as a man), not even when we were in the same room together.
It was as if my sole reason for existence as a woman was to have kids, and until I had them, I was regarded as unworthy or incomplete.
The decision to have kids
Yet the decision to have children is a personal one. It is also a complex one. It is a decision that will permanently change the lives of the couple in question.
It is not a decision that one should be pressurized into making because their mom wants to carry grandchildren or their aunt wants to play with kids. It’s a decision that a couple should make because they genuinely want to nurture another life.
Because when a child is born, the people bugging others to have kids aren’t the ones who will be caring for the baby 24/7, whose lives will be set back by years (even decades) as they care for a new life, or who will be responsible for every decision concerning the child for the next 18-21 years.
It will be the couple.
And the people who aren’t ready, who were pressured into having kids because they were told that it was the best thing to do, may have to deal with regret as they are stuck with a decision they cannot undo. Because there are people who regret having kids, and we need to be honest about that. These people regret, not because of the child’s fault, but because they were simply not ready to have kids, be it financially, emotionally, or mentally. Unfortunately, the children are the ones who eventually suffer, from living in dysfunctional households to dealing with issues of violence, abuse, and anger.
We need to recognize these realities, and not make parenthood seem like it’s some magical band-aid that solves a lack of purpose or life’s pressures. Things don’t magically get better because people have kids; existing problems usually worsen as having a child puts a big strain on a couple’s lives. Digging into people’s plans to have kids, and pressurizing them into one of the biggest life decisions they can ever make, will only stress them out and perhaps push some into depression. As this redditor shared,
“I have a friend who went through 6 years of miscarriages and fertility treatments before the doctors figured out the problem and she had her son. The nosy ladies at her work and her in-laws questioned her constantly. The depression from that made it harder for her to conceive.”
Stop asking couples when they’re having kids
So, if you tend to ask others when they’re having kids, it’s time to stop that. It’s rude, insensitive, and it disregards people’s privacy. It’s also none of your business.
The reality is that if people want kids, they will work on having kids. They don’t need you to prod them about it.
If they don’t have kids, it’s either because
- they really don’t want kids,
- they are not in a position to consider kids right now, or
- they want kids but they are facing some struggles.
For people in group (c), they aren’t going to share such deeply personal experience over some afternoon coffee chat, and certainly not by you asking, “When are you having kids?”
The best thing you can do is to give people their personal space. Understand that having kids is a personal decision, and people don’t have to share or explain anything. Respect that others have their right to privacy. Respect that people are individuals on their own path, and this path may not involve having kids. And this doesn’t make them incomplete or lesser in any way.
Instead of asking women or couples, “When are you having kids?”, talk to them like how you would a normal person. There’s no reason why conversations should suddenly revolve around childbearing after marriage; it’s not like a person’s identity changes to revolve around having kids. A person still has their own passion, goals, and dreams. Talk to them about what they’ve been doing. Understand their interests. Know them as a real person, not some random being here to fulfill society’s checklist.
If you’re really interested in someone’s plan to have children, you can simply ask, “Are you and your partner planning to have kids?” If they wish to share more, they will do so. If they give a generic answer, then take the hint and move on.
Ultimately, having kids or not doesn’t change a person’s self-worth. A woman is complete with or without kids. A marriage doesn’t need kids to be deemed complete. Having kids should be a conscious choice, not a result of external pressure. Don’t judge people by whether they have kids or not. Some people will have kids, and some people will not have kids. Some will have kids early, while some will have them later in life. All of these are different paths, and there’s nothing wrong about any of them.
For my husband and I, we eventually had a few discussions and decided to have a baby, and had our baby girl this year (2020). 😊 Yet other people’s comments and nudges to have children didn’t make me want to have children; it only annoyed me and made me want to avoid these people, because having a child is a personal decision between me and my husband, that has nothing to do with them. It was after we had the space to settle down and enjoy married life without kids, and took some time to actively pursue our goals and interests, that we finally felt ready to try for a kid last year.
In the meantime, I hope all of you are doing well. There are other things that I’m working on, other things that are happening that I look forward to sharing in time to come. Sending lots of love to you, and remember that whatever life challenge you’re facing, you have it in you to overcome it. I’ll talk to you guys soon! 🙂
By Leo Babauta
When it comes to work, I’ve found that most of us fall in one of two camps:
- We work way too hard, constantly churning, never feeling like we got enough done; or
- We put off work, going to distractions, feeling guilty about how little we’re getting done.
Either camp results in long working hours. And it drains us. It leaves us feeling depleted, not alive.
There’s no simple solution to this, of course, but I’d like to propose something here, to both camps:
Do fewer things.
Be more fully in those fewer things.
Recognize your victories.
Rest more. Play more. Connect more.
Let’s look at this from the perspective of each camp.
And please note: I know that not everyone falls into these camps, and not everyone can change the number of hours they work. Take from this post what might be useful to you, toss out the rest.
The Work Too Hard Camp
This is the camp I’ve been in lately — we try to get everything done. When there are things left undone (there always are), we feel like we haven’t done enough.
We never feel like we’ve done enough. Even when, by all external standards, we’re kicking ass.
So working less seems like an impossible thing … but if you recognize that we’re working too much, then it’s actually an obvious fix.
Working less would mean reducing the number of things we do — which would mean focusing on higher priority tasks.
If you could only work 1 hour today, what would you spend that hour doing? What would you do with the rest of the things on your list?
When we ask ourselves these questions, it might become clear that there are some key items we could spend more of our attention on, and many other tasks we could let go of somehow.
Then, after we’ve reduced the number of things, we can practice being more fully in those things.
Then call it a day — a victorious day, where we got the important things done.
Now ask yourself this question: if you had 2 hours of free time where you couldn’t work … what would you do with those hours?
Most of us spend free time doing more work. Or going to favorite distractions. But what if we used that time to be fully connected to the people we care about? Or to take care of ourselves, to read, to play, to do nothing?
The Procrastinate Too Much Camp
I was in this group for years. In this camp, we don’t feel that the “work less” philosophy should apply to us, because we already feel we’re not working enough. We feel guilty for all the time we waste.
Well, let’s start by tossing out that guilt. It’s toxic! We heap all kinds of expectations on ourselves, and then beat ourselves up when we fail to meet those made-up expectations. Let’s throw all that out and start fresh.
With a fresh slate … what would you do with your day? What would feel like an absolute victory?
For this camp, “work less” means have fewer hours, but more focused ones. Spend less of it in avoidance and frittering away the time, cut back the number of hours you work, and be fully in those remaining hours.
So if you were only to work 2 hours today … what would you do with those hours? What tasks would be most important to accomplish? What would make this day feel victorious?
Once you’ve identified those tasks, set aside the time, block out the distractions, and pour yourself into them.
It can help to do them in 15-20-minute chunks, with headphones and music, or for longer sessions to do it on a call with someone else who is trying to focus on their meaningful work as well. Help each other focus, celebrate each other’s victories.
If you could work fewer but more focused hours, you’d free up time for true rest. For play, connection, self-care. And perhaps, more than doing the tasks themselves, this would be the true victory.
You’re giving a big presentation, telling a story over Zoom, or pitching an idea. Your audience leans in. They’re hanging on your every word. Instead of staring at their phones, they’re staring at you.
You’re making them feel something. Not because your words are perfect, but because of how you’re saying them.
Want to learn how to do it? America’s top voice coach, Roger Love, is here to teach you the same vocal techniques he uses with his students — students like Selena Gomez, Gwen Stefani, and Reese Witherspoon.
Roger Love is the real deal. Bradley Cooper hired him to learn how to sing for the film, A Star Is Born… and then he won a Grammy.
Storytelling is really about speaking from emotion to emotion rather than word to word. @RogerLove1
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This interview had me jumping in my seat and jonesing for some karaoke. (Josh has Roger to thank for the new one-woman acapella concertos happening at home.)
If you’ve ever wished you could speak or sing with confidence, get ready because there’s so much in this interview:
2:44 — Why the voice you were born with could be holding you back.
6:45 — The common mistake that makes 80% of people sound boring.
13:50 — How to convey *anything* with passion — even a voicemail!
17:45 — Why HOW you say something matters just as much as WHAT you say.
21:17 — The secret to never losing your voice again.
24:21 — How Roger helped Bradley Cooper win a Grammy.
Your voice is the most powerful instrument you were born with. In this interview, Roger Love will show you how to use it.
Hit play to watch now or listen on The Marie Forleo Podcast.
Roger Love’s gift:
Ready to harness the power of your voice? As we mentioned in this episode, Roger’s offering MarieTV listeners a $50 gift certificate for his Singing Academy and Perfect Voice programs. Go here to claim it.
Now Roger and I would love to hear from you.
Did you experience any ‘aha’ moments from this conversation? What was your biggest insight and how can you turn that insight into action now?
Leave a comment below and let us know. Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply. Thousands of incredible souls come here each week for insight and motivation, and your story may help someone else have a meaningful breakthrough.
Important: share your thoughts and ideas directly in the comments. Links to other posts, videos, etc. will be removed.
Remember, your voice matters.
Or as Roger says, “You were born with the greatest communication tool you will ever possess. No matter how amazing technology is, you have your voice.”
With all my love and gratitude,
The post Speak & Sing With Confidence: The Roger Love Method to Changing Your Voice appeared first on .
If you try to tackle a big project and end up getting stuck somewhere along the way, it might mean that some steps are missing.
Imagine trying to complete a difficult, 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. Even though it has a thousand pieces, finishing the puzzle requires to complete more than a thousand steps.
You need to spend time sorting, grouping, and looking for edge pieces. You also might have to undo some parts of your work as you go along—which adds more steps, since now you need to override previous tasks that you thought had been completed.
This is all logical enough, but a) it takes time, and b) if you haven’t ever done a large puzzle before, you might get frustrated. You might give up along the way, leaving your puzzle half-finished and sitting on the kitchen table for weeks. Finally, you push the pieces back into the box, swearing off puzzles until the next family holiday gathering or global pandemic.
Maybe the root cause of puzzle neglect could be traced to the beginning: you underestimated the number of steps, as well as the amount of effort that would be required to persevere beyond the easy ones.
Two weeks ago, I asked a question in my newsletter: “Why haven’t you started?”
My theory was that a lot of people (maybe even most of us) have something that we really want to do, but we struggle with making any real progress. The more I investigate this question, the more I believe that the answer is twofold.
First, we struggle in getting started because we don’t really know what the first steps are. Often there are prerequisites, steps you have to complete before the “official” first steps, which effectively means that your list of steps is incomplete. There’s an obvious solution to problem one: we need better lists of steps.
But that’s not all! The other reason we struggle has to do with self-doubt or some other internal obstacle.
In response to my question, a lot of readers said something like this:
- “I know what to do, I just can’t bring myself to do it.”
- “I’ve been thinking about it for years, but I still haven’t done anything.”
- “I failed once, so I’m afraid to try again.”
In these situations, having a better list of steps doesn’t fully solve the problem—or perhaps we could say that step one is “learn to believe in yourself.” This will require some more investigation, so I’ll let you know what I come up with.
Until then, know your steps, and have confidence in yourself. Puzzles are hard for a reason!
P.S. One more thing: in jigsaw puzzles, as well as many other challenging endeavors, some steps are harder than others. Some sections may actually be easy, and even in a hard puzzle, putting in the last few pieces is going to be a lot easier than the ones in the middle.