Have you ever convinced yourself to do something in the name of #self-care? Watched an entire season of a Friends in one day? It was self-care!
Let’s be real, we’ve all been there. The trouble is that it’s often hard to know whether you’re actually practicing self-care or simply being lazy.
Rest is SO important and I often talk about letting yourself take breaks, but it’s difficult to know sometimes if you actually need a break or if you need to push through and get things done.
For example, exercise is an important element of physical self-care. If you have a workout scheduled but you’ve had a stressful day and feel like taking a break, is it because your body truly needs a rest or because you’re trying to avoid working out? Of course, nothing bad is going to happen if you miss a day, but you may benefit more if you just do the workout.
There’s a difference between self-care, self-soothing, self-indulgence, and laziness – and it’s important to be clear on what these things look like for you. Otherwise, you might be sabotaging yourself by finding excuses NOT to take care of yourself when you actually need self-care in your life.
In this post, I’m sharing some tips to help you distinguish between self-care, self-soothing, self-indulgence, and old fashioned laziness. If you’ve struggled to know whether you’ve been taking care of yourself or sabotaging yourself, this post is for you.
Let’s Talk About Self-Sabotage
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is getting in the way of your own success. Rather than external circumstances preventing you from reaching your goals, it means you’re doing things that are stopping you from reaching those goals.
One of the best explanations for why we self-sabotage comes from Gay Hendricks’s book, The Big Leap. Hendricks describes that we all have limits to how much love, success, and creativity we will let ourselves enjoy.
When you’re on the verge of a breakthrough, you might fall back into old habits. You might try to push yourself back into your comfort zone when something feels difficult or uncertain (even when you feel like a good change is coming).
Related Post: 5 Signs You’re Dealing With Self-Sabotage
How does self-sabotage show up in self-care?
Self-care is so important for protecting your time and energy, but it loses its effectiveness when you start to call everything self-care.
Unless you’re clear on YOUR definition of self-care, you can end up convincing yourself that anything is fair game.
At its core, self-care involves activities and practices we engage in on a regular basis to reduce stress and enhance our well-being.
Here are some examples:
- Setting and sticking to boundaries
- Maintaining good personal hygiene
- Physical exercise
- Meditating regularly
- Talking to a therapist
- Getting enough sleep
Self-sabotage means doing the opposite of the thing you need. You might talk yourself out of self-care and convince yourself that you don’t need it right now or that you need to focus on work instead.
Even knowing this, it’s difficult to identify which actions are self-care or self-sabotage in disguise. Let’s talk about how you can tell the difference.
Related Post: The Unspoken Complexity of “Self-Care” by Deanna Zandt
Types of Perceived Self-Care
We can call anything self-care if we really want to, but here are some common terms that people often use interchangeably with self-care:
Self-soothing (or self-pampering) involves little to no exertion from you that makes you feel better in some way. It may act as a sense of escape, especially if you’ve had a stressful day. For example, getting a manicure or watching Netflix. You might feel relaxed by these activities, but they’re not necessarily going to help you find balance or become a healthier person.
Now, self-soothing is not frivolous or unimportant. It’s good to relax! But it’s important to know when you’re self-soothing rather than practicing self-care.
There’s also self-indulgence which involves excessive or unrestrained gratification of one’s desires. Self-indulgence is a “treat yo self” mentality. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself once in a while, but self-indulgence is not true self-care (remember, self-care is about regular practices and habits whereas self-indulgence is better in small doses).
Then we have good old fashioned laziness. Laziness is the quality of being unwilling to work or use your energy to do something. An example of this would be putting off a task (especially related to self-care) because you don’t feel like it.
Is laziness okay? If you’re avoiding something, not exactly. Doing nothing doesn’t always mean you’re being lazy. If you’re being intentional with relaxation, it can serve you well. You’re allowed to veg out and give your mind and body a break.
“Self-care only works if you’re actually caring for yourself and not just letting yourself off the hook.” – Hannah Jack
In order to know if you’re in need of true self-care, you have to listen to yourself and make the choice to do what is best for you. Your mind will try to trick you into doing what’s easiest (which is often the lazy route). That’s why awareness is key.
Everything comes down to awareness. What classifies something as self-care is ultimately the intention behind it, so you have to be aware of your own intentions.
Here are some questions to help you become more aware of your intentions when making decisions around self-care:
- Am I making this decision to escape or avoid something?
- Will this choice help to reduce my stress levels?
- Am I trying to disconnect from myself?
- Will this choice enhance my well-being?
- Will my future self thank me or suffer later because of my actions now?
- Am I letting my head get in the way of doing what I really need?
- Would I be able to do the things that I need to do more effectively if I a) rest now or b) work now and rest later?
- Am I going to feel better by doing this thing? Am I going to feel worse?
Remember, awareness is key. Slow down and ask yourself if what you’re doing is self-improving or self-defeating. When given the chance, choose the option that enhances your well-being.
How do you tell the difference between self-care and self-sabotage?
I hope this post has helped you to identify what self-care looks like in your own life. Here are some more posts to help you on your self-care journey:
- What The Five Dimensions of Self-Care Look Like
- How To Create A Daily Self-Care Routine For Mind, Body & Soul
- How To Make Self-Care Easier
The post Self-Care or Self-Sabotage? How To Tell The Difference appeared first on The Blissful Mind.
Interest in camping is at an all-time high, and manufacturers have come up with clever and durable gear to make life in the outdoors truly a pleasure. If you’re looking for unique camping gifts, this list has some of the best wedding gift ideas for outdoorsy couples. Anything on this list will transform roughing it … Read more
If you try to tackle a big project and end up getting stuck somewhere along the way, it might mean that some steps are missing.
Imagine trying to complete a difficult, 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. Even though it has a thousand pieces, finishing the puzzle requires to complete more than a thousand steps.
You need to spend time sorting, grouping, and looking for edge pieces. You also might have to undo some parts of your work as you go along—which adds more steps, since now you need to override previous tasks that you thought had been completed.
This is all logical enough, but a) it takes time, and b) if you haven’t ever done a large puzzle before, you might get frustrated. You might give up along the way, leaving your puzzle half-finished and sitting on the kitchen table for weeks. Finally, you push the pieces back into the box, swearing off puzzles until the next family holiday gathering or global pandemic.
Maybe the root cause of puzzle neglect could be traced to the beginning: you underestimated the number of steps, as well as the amount of effort that would be required to persevere beyond the easy ones.
Two weeks ago, I asked a question in my newsletter: “Why haven’t you started?”
My theory was that a lot of people (maybe even most of us) have something that we really want to do, but we struggle with making any real progress. The more I investigate this question, the more I believe that the answer is twofold.
First, we struggle in getting started because we don’t really know what the first steps are. Often there are prerequisites, steps you have to complete before the “official” first steps, which effectively means that your list of steps is incomplete. There’s an obvious solution to problem one: we need better lists of steps.
But that’s not all! The other reason we struggle has to do with self-doubt or some other internal obstacle.
In response to my question, a lot of readers said something like this:
- “I know what to do, I just can’t bring myself to do it.”
- “I’ve been thinking about it for years, but I still haven’t done anything.”
- “I failed once, so I’m afraid to try again.”
In these situations, having a better list of steps doesn’t fully solve the problem—or perhaps we could say that step one is “learn to believe in yourself.” This will require some more investigation, so I’ll let you know what I come up with.
Until then, know your steps, and have confidence in yourself. Puzzles are hard for a reason!
P.S. One more thing: in jigsaw puzzles, as well as many other challenging endeavors, some steps are harder than others. Some sections may actually be easy, and even in a hard puzzle, putting in the last few pieces is going to be a lot easier than the ones in the middle.
You know you want more — more out of your business, more out of your relationship, your career, or your friendships. But how do you get it? How do you get from Point A to Point B?
You ask for it.
In today’s interview with Alexandra Carter — Columbia Law Professor, negotiation expert, and author of the book Ask For More — you’ll learn how to get more of what you want without manipulation or slimy tactics.
Alexandra is a go-to negotiation trainer for the United Nations. Now she’s on MarieTV to show you how to turn a “no” into a “yes,” and why it’s important to teach people your value even in times of uncertainty.
Listening is the foundation, not just of negotiation, but of everything worthwhile in life. @alexbcarter
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In 10 simple questions, she’ll help you understand what you want, how to ask for it, and — most importantly — how to get it. If you’ve ever thought negotiation was cold or heartless, you *need* to watch this episode. Alexandra teaches with so much love and integrity my heart welled up with emotion during our conversation.
2:52 — The “Honeymoon Secret” to slime-free negotiation.
6:08 — The surprising reason you should avoid the word “why” at all costs.
7:49 — The #1 reason women don’t ask for more and how to get past it.
14:01 — The BIGGEST mistake people make when trying to negotiate (and how to stop).
20:29 — 4 magic words that turn any “no” into a “yes.”
29:02 — The 2 big emotions that derail our relationships more than any other.
Remember, asking for what you want is *not* selfish. As Alexandra so wisely said, “When you teach someone how to value you, you teach him how to value all of us.”
Hit play to watch now or listen on The Marie Forleo Podcast.
Now Alexandra and I would love to hear from you. What ahas did you have about negotiation? How can you turn those insights into action right now? Is there an area of your life or a relationship where you want to ask for more?
Leave a comment below and tell us all about it! Thousands of beautiful souls come here each week for insight and motivation, and your story could help someone else have a breakthrough.
Important: share your thoughts and ideas directly in the comments. Links to other posts, videos, etc. will be removed.
Stay rooted in your heart, stay rooted in your humanity and your desire to connect. When you have that, you have everything.
All my love,
The post Afraid to Ask for More? 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything with Alexandra Carter appeared first on .